When My Eyes Close
by guzelle
Summary: During Season 10, before Kem delivers Carter's baby. Abby reflects; will eventually end up with Carter and Abby together. Carby angst.
1. An Ordinary Day

Title: When My Eyes Close Disclaimer: Sadly, I cannot call them my own.  
Summary: Another typical day at County, it seems, but then there's Carter, Kem, their unborn baby and a miserable Abby. Carby angst.

Chapter One:

My heart had been once been filled with love, hope and fantasies. Adorable babies in dark blue strollers, light pink nurseries and toys scattered about everywhere. Those were my fantasies, my daydreams, about Carter and I. Us as soon to be parents, us as doting parents for tiny little infants, us sending our children to school for the very first time; I dreamed, basically, of being the mother of Carter's offspring. I wanted to be with him, have his kids, and grow old with him, but that "job" now belongs to someone else.

She's beautiful, honestly speaking. All mocha colored skin, full lips and smiling, happy eyes, no real heavy emotional baggage either. Carter is probably ecstatic about that one. She doesn't look like a former alcoholic; neither does she look like she's come from a family where insanity and unpredictability are the norm. And every time he merely glances at her, his entire face lights up with pride and joy, and you can just tell how in love he is. I remember how he used to look at me that way, eyes so full of love and endearment, and it seems like centuries ago. Centuries ago he had been mine, promises had been made, promises of forever and stability, promises of unspoken words and unmeasured love. Those promises have now gone down the drain.

My heart painfully thuds in my chest as I watch her enter the coveted Doctor's Lounge and take a seat on the weary old couch. She's smiling softly, her long fingers encircling her big round belly. Every beat suddenly becomes filled with misery, as if my heart realizes exactly who has entered the room. The sweet, cream filled coffee I am drinking turns bitter in my mouth and I hastily swallow the hot liquid down, feeling it burn down my throat.

"Abigail?" she asks with hesitance, pronouncing my name slowly.

"It's Abby," I hear myself correct her, my voice soft and steady. For once my voice doesn't betray my true feelings and she doesn't hear the sadness and loneliness in my tone.

"My apologies, Abby." she says shrugging her shoulders as if in apology. "Your name…it's very pretty."

My name, my ordinary name, is pretty. Well according to her, it is. Hmm… how kind of her to mention that to her boyfriend's ex girlfriend. No one has ever mentioned anything about my name before and I look up at her with slight suspicion. It's obvious she's trying to be friendly, but why me, of all people?

"Thank you…" I mumble and look back down at my enormous medical textbook. Reading the chapter on skin diseases is more interesting than conversing with Carter's pregnant girlfriend.

"Do you know where John is? I've looked everywhere I know and can't seem to find him. I just want him here; the baby's kicking." Kem states and I look up quickly, eyes fixated on her stomach. My own stomach aches then, but not with hunger pains. The pain is rooted deeper, into the crevices of my very being. 

"I'll get him for you, if you'd like." I offer, getting up and heading towards the door before she even answers. All I want to do is leave the room as soon as I can. My hands tremble slightly and I feel hot tears at the back of my throat, and bite down on my tongue to try and keep a calm composure.

"Oh, that would be real sweet. Please do," she turns, giving me a warm smile, hand still resting protectively over her unborn child. I manage to give her a small smile in return and dash out of the lounge, and straight into Susan. The coffee in her hands immediately pours down my chest and clean nurse's uniform, staining the pale lavender color a shade darker.

"Oh, Abby, what's the rush?" Susan exclaims, looking at me as if I'd sprouted horns sometime after she'd last seen me. "That was my little night snack, you know." she says and I grimace. Her "snack" is now covering my uniform in a long burning hot streak.

"God, it's all my fault." I manage to gasp out, pulling the thin fabric away from my skin before the burn becomes unbearable.

"Its fine, I think I have some yogurt in the fridge anyway, I'll eat that. Are you okay, by the way? Coffee was pretty hot," Susan's concerned face peers intensely at me for a few seconds and I nod, holding the fabric away from my poor, abused skin. I probably have a nice red mark there by now. "Where are you running to? I'm pretty sure Weaver isn't out on the warpath right this moment."

"Uh, need to find Carter. His, uh, girlfriend asked for him." I mumble, averting my eyes from those of my close friend. I don't have to say another word; she instantly understands.

"Ah, running from the lounge and the sugary sweet pregnant lady. I get it; real slick, Abby." Susan is laughing now, but the merry sound of my friend's laugh doesn't seem to affect me in a humorous mood.

I look at her pointedly, my face apparently registering my unhappiness because her laugh dies off. "Can you find Carter for me, please? I need to clean myself up." I say and with that, turn around and walk off in the direction of the bathrooms.

There's no point in changing into scrubs since I'll be leaving in fifteen minutes. Hopefully I'll be leaving; if there aren't any incoming traumas or an overflow of patients. With a glance around, I assess there aren't too many patients in need of my immediate care, and smile with satisfaction. Home beckons to me like a mirage would to a person stranded in the Sahara desert. Between my E.R. rotation as a med student, and my regular shift there as a nurse, I'd been at the hospital for a total twenty four hours. I was in desperate need of a nap, some proper nutrition and the simple comforts of home, like being able to wander around in pajamas.

Sam is in the bathroom, washing her hands when I enter. "You finally are leaving Abby?"

"Let's hope so. You never know what kind of fun will come slamming through those doors." I say and she laughs, and this time I join in. I grab several paper towels, wet them, and begin furiously scrubbing at my dirty nurse's uniform. She watches me in the mirror, frowning.

"That's not blood, is it?"

"Ha. It's just Susan's coffee that I managed to smoothly spill onto myself."

"Nice going, doctor." Sam laughs again, her curls dancing. I grin at her through the mirror's reflection. "Okay, well, I'll see you Monday then, right?" 

"If I get my ass out of bed." I say, looking at my impossibly dirty shirt. Damn, it's just coffee, why won't the stain come out?

"Just throw that into the wash at home, and add a little bit more bleach. Stain should come right out." Sam offers, and then her curly head disappears behind the swinging doors.

I am left alone, my reflection the only company. I stare at myself and the face in the mirror looks almost…almost content. It's hard to see the sadness that I feel with every step, every breath, and every beat of my heart. This ever present pain is well hidden, and although I am happy to wear this "happy mask", it also bothers me. My life seems to be in some sort of stand still. I'm standing still, seemingly in a torrent of pain, angst and misery. I'm like a sixteen year old teenager wishing for high school to come to an end.

"Ugh… time to go home, Abby." I tell my pathetic image in the mirror, and head out of the bathroom. My shirt is still stained and a little bit sticky, but it doesn't matter. I'm going home, to my comfortable, safe, bed.

The E.R. is strangely peaceful when I exit the bathroom and I look around, right eyebrow raised. Jerry is as usual, playing something on the computer, Susan is flipping through patients' charts by the rack and then… they're there. Carter and Kem are standing just a little away from the admin desk, heads bent low in conversation, both of their hands, as per custom, placed on their little precious cargo. Susan looks up and catches my eye, rolling her eyes playfully at the couple. I smile at her attempt to lessen the tension, but keep my distance as I walk into the lounge.

Several minutes later, I have my coat, ski cap, gloves and scarf securely on and am ready to brave the infamous Chicago wind. Winter is definitely not my favorite season in this city, I think, stepping back out into the still quiet main area.

"Looks good tonight, Susan." I say, waving my black gloved hand at her.

"Hey, don't jinx it. You'll leave and probably three traumas will roll in."

"Well, then, have fun." I smirk at her and she sticks out her tongue out at me in mockery. "Good night, everyone!"

A chorus of good nights reaches my ears as I leave through the ambulance doors. They slide close behind me and I am suddenly freezing my butt off in the cold. It's going to be a long ride home, I think, and walk towards the El as the first few snowflakes of the season are falling onto the pavement. 

Twenty odd minutes later, I am finally in my apartment. The El is unbelievably crowded because of everyone rushing to get home before the lightly falling snow could turn into a snowstorm. I manage to somehow get off the train alive, with all the pushing, shoving and cussing going on around me. I drop my things right by the door, kick off my boots, and hastily remove my outer clothing before heading for the kitchen.

"Hmm…what to eat, what to eat." I mumble to myself, my eyes scanning the shelves in my cupboards. Cereal, dry oatmeal, two fudge marble cake mixes, salty pretzels and a tiny can of chicken noodle soup. Yep, my home is well stocked. "Time to go grocery shopping, Abby." I absently remind myself and stare at the poor choices before me.

Finally deciding on the pretzels and soup, I quickly prepare my "dinner" and then plop down onto the couch. My nursing uniform is still on, with the stain from Susan's coffee, but I pay it no attention as I munch on a pretzel and sip my soup slowly from its large ceramic cup. I'm so tired it's a wonder I can still move around. My eyes droop slightly and I lean my head back until it's resting on the backing of the couch. As soon as my eyes are fully shut though, an image of a smiling Carter suddenly flashes before me and my eyes immediately open.

God, he won't even let me rest. Twenty four seven, he's on my mind, whether I'm at work, home, or out somewhere with Susan or Sam, or both of them. My social outings are few and far between, but occasionally they cajole me out to a movie or dinner. And a sweet moment between lovers in a scene during a movie is when he always pops into my head. It's never any of my numerous old ex boyfriends, it's always Dr. John Carter. His kisses, his caresses, his smile, his words, his little puppy dog face when upset with me…his presence still lingers inside me. There he is, firmly lodged into my heart, but out of reach to me physically. The familiar ache in my stomach is back and I groan.

Time for self pity later; right now it is time to go to sleep. I dump the empty cup into the sink; the pretzels go back into the cupboard. Then I grab my pajamas from the bedside drawers and stumble into the bathroom. My bones practically creak with exhaustion and so I simply brush my teeth and wash my face, putting off taking a shower till the morning. At last, my head touches the pillow and I smile sleepily. The pillow smells like the familiar fruity scent of my shampoo.

It's so good to be home. 


	2. Going Through The Motions

Disclaimer: They're not mine... sad, I know.  
Spoilers: None really, everything's been covered in the first chapter.  
Author's Notes: You guys are wonderful for leaving me those sweet reviews, I cannot thank you enough. I'm just glad you all are enjoying this story, because I enioy writing it for you guys. And I'm so sorry about the delay in updating, finals have just begun in school (

Chapter Two

The obnoxious sound of the phone ringing suddenly pierces through my subconscious. I groan, too lazy to reach over and grab the cordless. It keeps ringing insistently and I finally give in. "God, I can't even sleep in on a Saturday," I grumble. The shrill sound is abruptly cut off by me snatching the phone off its stand and greeting the person on the other end with a sleepy hello.

"Abby? Were you asleep?" Susan.

"No shit, I was sleeping. It's Saturday, I think I'm allowed."

"It's two in the afternoon, Abby. It's about time to rise and shine."

Hmm…I actually slept till the afternoon? I've never slept till two in the afternoon before. Usually people wake me up at the crack of dawn for some reason or other, or I'm up because of work. This must be some sort of new record, me being asleep for so long. I glance over at the windows and see that a little sunlight is filtering through the dark blue drapes. It doesn't look like the middle of the day from my bedroom windows, but a peek at the clock on my wall assures me that Susan is indeed telling the truth. 

"Guess you're right. So is there any special reason for calling me?"

"What, I'm not allowed to call my friend on a day we're both off from work?" Susan teases me and I laugh. "Actually, I wanted to go get lunch, maybe rent a movie later. Chuck is working tonight and I and the baby don't feel like staying indoors. So, what do you think; you think you can manage to leave your house today?"

"You're a real comedian there, Lewis. And yes, I think I'll manage. Where is your stomach leading us today?"

"Hey, it's not me; it's the baby's fault that I'm having all these cravings. But, uh, my stomach would prefer something spicy today. Oh! Barbeque grilled chicken! Oh and mashed potatoes with lots of gravy!"

I shake my head, amused as Susan rattles off an entire menu to me. She's so adorable when she's hungry. Well, adorable at times and downright scary at others. You definitely can't keep her far from food these days.

"Alright, I just hope you don't plan on eating half of Chicago today, Susan." I giggle as I easily picture the scenario; Susan roaming from restaurant to restaurant in the city, demanding to be fed.

"That's alright, Abby, I know you're going to be just one step behind me during this 'feast'. And I'll pick you up at exactly four, so go get yourself ready."

Another look at the clock tells me its ten minutes past two, and I nod, even though she can't see me. "Sure. Ring the bell and I'll come down."

"Okay, Lockhart, exactly four. I'm starving and you don't want me to be angry too."

"Not a problem, Dr. Lewis." I'm smiling when I hang up the phone.

At approximately four, Susan's waiting for me downstairs in her car. As soon as I'm settled into the front seat, she hits the gas pedal and the car squeals down the road. I adjust my seatbelt until it's strapped firmly across my upper body and glance over at my very pregnant and very reckless driver.

"No rush, Susan. Unless you're racing to the emergency room, then, I won't interrupt."

"Sorry, Abby. I'm hungry, cranky, eh, just in total bitch mode. Chuck is being impossibly arrogant at the moment. How can he not understand that I'm eight and a half months pregnant and that I just want him home occasionally?"

I pat her arm sympathetically. "Once the baby's here, it'll be different. He is going to want to be home twenty fours a day and then you'll want him out of your hair."

"Hmm… let's hope he wants to stay home all day when there's a screaming, demanding infant in the house." She says, biting her lower lip.

"Don't worry about it. I'm going to be there, babysitting the newest little Lewis. Oh, I just can't wait, Susan." I say with a big grin. I truly am excited. Babies are amazing, even when they command your attention at all times, and particularly love to shriek in your ear. My love for little wiggly toes and tiny curious fingers had been part of the reason why I'd been an obstetric nurse.

"Ah, that's definitely something you won't have to wait long for. I'll make plenty sure that you're going to be employed as my official babysitter." She looks at me quickly, a mischievous smile playing across her lips. "Abigail Lockhart, stinky diaper control. How's that sound to you?"

"Like lots and lots of fun." I tell her earnestly.

I pull down the mirror from its slide out compartment above me and contemplate my appearance. I'd straightened out my below shoulder length blondish-brown hair and left it down. Next I'd applied a little bit of foundation, a touch of mascara and dabbed on light pink lip gloss, opting for it over lipstick, which I rarely wore anymore. There was nothing spectacular going on in my life to acquire lipstick or more makeup than I had on now. Neither was there any reason for me to buy new clothes or dress myself up. I had on my favorite furry boots over my faded style blue jeans, a white tee under my bulky gray hooded sweatshirt and my knee length black coat. It was definitely not glamorous, but practical and comfortable.

"Where we going, Suze?" I ask staring out the window as downtown Chicago rolls by. The train tracks rumble overhead as a train passes.

"Pratt mentioned this new diner that serves amazing chicken, and he also said they've got a killer hot fudge brownie for dessert."

My stomach rumbles quite loudly then at the mention of food. That dessert sounds especially good to me. I've been perpetually hungry ever since my "dinner" last night. Pretzels and a tiny can of Campbell's soup won't exactly fill a girl up.

"Food, anywhere, sounds good to me right about now. I came home yesterday and ate pretzels and soup, out of a can. Real treat," I say, my brow furrowing at the thought. What a great Friday night I'd had. I ate barely any food, was unbelievably tired after work and had nothing but a television set to entertain me. Add lonely and depressed to the mix, and gosh, what a splendid evening.

"Poor you," Susan says and I nod, my eyes still watching the passing streets outside the window. "Just keep picturing those brownies, Ab."

"Maybe I shouldn't eat too much. I'll get chubbier and soon my scrubs won't fit me, and that would just be humiliation beyond repair."

"Yeah right, you ever being chubby and not being able to fit into hospital scrubs. It's me who has to worry about that, since I'm the one wearing the largest size possible." Susan grouses.

"Don't worry about it. Pregnancy suits you quite well," I say, my eyes twinkling with excitement at Susan's impending motherhood. "You and you're adorable big belly."

Susan groans and I laugh raucously, my statement about her "big belly" obviously not going over too well with the mommy to be. My hand thoughtlessly wanders down to my own belly and I rest it there, over my gray sweatshirt. It's flat and firm, with an empty womb. Unlike my friend and Carter's exotic new girlfriend, new life isn't growing there. There are no kicks against the side of my uterus or the gentle fluttering feeling that accompany a baby's movements inside the amniotic fluid.

My stomach growls and I smile sadly. I'd give anything to trade in my ever present hunger for pregnancy cravings, cravings that are much like what Susan is experiencing now.

"A penny for your thoughts?"

I hastily swallow the growing lump in my throat before I answer. "How about a dime, Susan? I think my intelligence is worth more than a simple penny,"

When upset, resort to sarcasm. I've learned that from many years of experience, and it's never failed me. Susan shakes her head at me, probably thinking that I'm lacking intelligence, instead of having it in abundance. "You're quite the character, Abby Lockhart."

"Ah, yes, that I am definitely." 


	3. Food and Company

Disclaimer: All ER characters belong to NBC and John Wells, etc. Lucky people.  
Spoilers: Season 10. Carter's back from the Congo, Kem's pregnant, Susan's pregnant, Abby's feelings are a mess.  
AN: Summer's almost here... but not quite in my grasp yet, so I'm terribly sorry for the lack of updates. I hope everyone who reviewed will come back and read this. prays This third chapter doesn't advance the plot all that much, but it is another chapter and there is some more Susan/Abby interaction (which I love to write) so it's not a total waste of your time :) And my favorite ER girl is getting to be more lively, and more happy! Go Abby! Okay, now onto the story, sorry for all this mumble jumble.

-Chapter Three-

By the time it rolls around to midnight, Susan and I are back in my apartment, sprawled around my living room like two very lazy... what's the word? Ah, yes, like two lazy "bums". She's resting on my couch, a pillow cushioning her back and another propped under her feet. I sit Indian style on the floor, a bowl of buttery popcorn in my lap. We're both fully focused on the screen, which is currently playing the Titanic DVD. Why we picked such a sad movie tonight, with no male companions at the moment, I have no idea, but I'm just glad to be sitting here with her. Usually my nights are solitary and quite dull. Plus, it's always nice to have company; this apartment has been empty except for me for a while now. 

"Abby, pass the popcorn," Susan says, her eyes never leave the screen but already a hand is outstretching towards me. I give her the popcorn and immediately a handful of fluffy kernels are popped into her mouth. "These are so yummy!"

I laugh and shake my head at her. "I can't believe you have room for that. You just had, like, three whole meals in one less than two hours ago."

"Hey, there is absolutely no picking on the pregnant lady, Abby. And I can't help it; something about this movie makes me want to eat. Must be all the melancholy and the sappy love story,"

"It is not a sappy love story!" I say in defense of the movie and give her a mocking glare. "Their time together was unfortunately cut short, but the time that they did have… it was good, magical even. Love at first sight." I add, my voice sounding a little bit sentimental. With any luck she won't notice. Susan laughs but her eyes carefully regard me for a moment, and I realize that she has understood the meaning behind my words. God, I'm so easy to read lately. Well maybe only she can read me this way. More accurately, she and Carter are the only ones who have the uncanny ability to read my mind. And this is definitely not in my advantage these days.

She decides not to add anything to the discussion of the movie's themes, and we continue watching in silence. About another half hour passes and Susan falls asleep on the couch, the popcorn long forgotten in her exhaustion. I get a lightweight blanket from the hall closet and drape it over my friend. The movie is turned off, just as Jack is warning Rose to hold tightly to the sinking ship as it descends into the freezing water. I smile and watch his handsome face for another second before the screen goes black. Ah, sweet love.

Suddenly Susan's bag starts vibrating and emitting a persistent and loud ring. I reach for the bag quickly and pull out the cell phone, not wanting to wake her, but she doesn't even stir.

"Hello?" I ask, once I've figured out which button to press on Susan's tiny phone. Of course she has the latest cell phone model and of course I have no clue as to how to use the damn thing.

"Abby? Abby, is Susan with you?" I hear Chuck's voice on the other end, sounding worried. "God I didn't know what to do, its past midnight and she's pregnant and oh… well, I'm just glad she's with you."

I realize then that Susan had mentioned wanting to call Chuck but had somehow forgotten during the evening, and I had forgotten right along with her. And obviously he was concerned and wanted to know of her whereabouts. Although she proclaimed him to be quite overprotective at times, I knew she wouldn't have it any other way.

"She's totally fine, actually sleeping right now on my couch. And she can sleep here for the night and I'll drive her back in the morning. We were meaning to give you a call but forgot. Sorry about that," I tell him, biting my lip, feeling quite guilty. Way to go Abby.

"I just got a little bit worried, her not being home at this hour and all. And don't bother to drive her. I'll be there to pick her up in the morning, since I'm off work. Just tell Susan to give me a call. Good night Abby," Chuck says. I bid him a good night as well and end the call.

Soon the living room is clean of the various junk Susan and I consumed over the last four or so hours. I quickly shower and change into my pajamas while she's still dozing. The events of the day had probably worn her out. The diner had served great food, and after devouring three different kinds of cheesecake and brownie concoctions, Susan had finally agreed to leave. With nothing planned for the evening, we had headed into Bloomingdales, where it took little convincing to get Susan to buy some baby clothes. I'd felt a little nostalgic standing there in the overly sweet baby department, watching dozens of pregnant women milling around, but decided to not give into the feelings. It's not a whole lot of fun to think about the sad state of your life when you're standing amongst adorable baby clothing. After our little excursion to Bloomingdale's, Susan had been somewhat cranky and tired of being on her feet, so we retreated back to my apartment for a girls movie fest. We only managed to watch Titanic but it had been a pleasant evening nonetheless. It's sad that I don't remember the last time I really had this much fun, but either way I'm pleased with how the evening went, considering Susan's tirade about Chuck during our dinner.

I gaze at Susan, peacefully asleep and unaware of my scrutiny. Her hand rests protectively over the bump of her unborn child and I smile. She looks absolutely sweet and undeniably motherly. If it had been Carter's girlfriend, my words would've been bitter, but since it's my best friend, the sentiment is definitely more heartfelt. And I really would prefer keeping her asleep, instead of jostling her shoulder as I'm doing right now to waken her.

"Susan, wake up. Susan… oh Susan, wake up. This couch is definitely not the best place for a midnight nap for you." I say, my hand shaking her shoulder gently. She simply bats the offending hand away. I poke her; try some coaxing words, even jiggle her wrist but she sleeps on, undisturbed by my antics. "Susan, right now, get up!" This time, I say it a bit more loudly and hear her groan.

"Hey, not so loud, Abby…what were you trying to do? Raise the dead?" She mumbles, opening her eyes and attempting to focus on me.

"Well, you sure do sleep like the dead. Or maybe you sleep like the comatose? It's debatable. But just so you know, I'm getting a bucket of cold water next time. That should definitely wake you up, Doctor."

"Hmm…perhaps I should be thanking you, instead of complaining about your fine…mortuary talents,"

I chuckle at her response and say, "Of course I am talented, especially in that field. I mean, we do plenty raising the dead techniques right in our very own hospital."

"Ha…clever little Abby," Susan says, sitting up and removing the blanket I'd placed over her. She glances at the watch strapped to her right wrist and then does a double take. "Whoa…please tell me it's not one thirty two am. I'm supposed to be home!"

I take the tossed aside blanket, drape it over my arms and start towards my bedroom. "Chuck called and I told him you were fine and asleep at the moment. Then I suggested you just stay here for the night. So tonight we're having a slumber party. Come on, I'll even share my bed." I say with a grin.

She arches her brow at me, contemplating my words. "Ah, thank god. I didn't feel like going anywhere, anyway. Thanks Abby."

"No problem, it's my pleasure."

In less than five minutes, Susan's dressed in one of my oversized sweaters and the largest pair of sweatpants I manage to salvage from the back of my closet. She climbs into my bed, pulls the covers up to her neck and instantly falls into a deep sleep once more. I wish it were that easy for me. I'm awake till two usually and nothing gets me to sleep, not even my sheep counting. This night is different from the others, though. I'm strangely content…imagine that. My belly is full from dinner and then the various snacks we'd consumed during our movie watching; my presence isn't required at Country General tomorrow morning and I even have company, even if it's not exactly a male companion.

Yes, Abby can sleep satisfied tonight. I smile into the darkness, feeling lighter than I've felt all week…well, actually, all month. Maybe it is good to have a social life once in a while, I think, gazing over at Susan's sleeping form. As if she knows I'm thinking of her, she rolls over so that her protruding belly presses up against my side. I laugh as I feel a vague kick from what she fondly calls her "baby bulge". Guess the baby isn't in the same slumbering mood as its mommy.

This night I fall asleep with a smile plastered on my face, and the unmistakable feeling of happiness in my heart. 


	4. Let Me Help You

Title: When My Eyes Close - Chapter Four

Author: Guzelle

Spoilers: Hmm... Season 10 perhaps? And the other chapters in this ficlet.

AN: Thank you for all the reviews, I hope they keep coming and I honestly hope you guys keep reading... and for those who don't get this fic, then... don't read, I guess. I'm proud of myself for updating so soon after the last chap, so yay, go me! grins Okay.. happy reading everyone, enjoy it!

these denote Carter's past words to Abby.

- Chapter Four -

"Abby, someone on line three is asking for you!"

I look up from the chart I'm assessing and glance at Frank, who is standing at the admin desk and waving a phone at me. Telephone call for me… can't be…anyone that normally calls me is currently working. I take a peek at my watch and frown. Yep, six thirty on the dot, so Susan is definitely around here somewhere.

"I said there's a phone call for you, Doctor!"

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time, Frank." I grumble and snatch the phone receiver from him. He rolls his eyes at me, mumbles something and then moves further down the desk. I roll my eyes in return at his back. Then realizing that whoever called is still waiting, I punch in line three and rush my greeting. "Hello?"

"It's always a pleasure to hear your voice, Abby,"

My mind reels and I quickly stifle a surprised gasp. It takes a millisecond for the voice to finally register and when it does, my stomach churns. Oh god, what does he want?

"Likewise, Richard," I say and for the second time within a week, pray to the heavens that my tone doesn't betray my emotion.

"Has life been treating you well?" He asks. I hear a chuckle as if the very thought of life treating me pleasantly is highly amusing. "It's quite a wonder you still work at that…hospital."

"Yeah, well, they're keeping me around for now. And this isn't the best time to call up for a chat. I am at work, you know." My lowered voice takes on a higher octave and I hope he comprehends my message.

Suddenly he's laughing into my ear and I bite my bottom lip in annoyance. No, I won't let him get the best of me…again. And no…I will not yell at him. This isn't the place for that, I hastily remind myself.

"I just wanted to congratulate you, Abby. On finishing up med school and getting married again. It's great you're getting remarried…took awhile longer than me, but its okay."

Oh my god. Me…getting married? First, marriage is the last thing on my mind these days and secondly, to whom? Who would want to marry me, after knowledge of my first horrific marriage and a list of my past boyfriends? Sure, they're not all bad. Two are successful and prominent doctors. One is presently expecting a baby with the woman he loves, and the other is involved with one of my friends. My stomach twinges at the thought of Carter and the little bundle of joy whose arrival he's eagerly anticipating. Yeah… my life is a big complicated soap opera.

"No, no, I'm not getting married. You must've heard wrong. But thank you…for congratulating me on finishing med school." I try to not stutter on my words. My heart's racing a mile a minute and my stomach aches painfully.

"Abby… I'm pretty sure I heard that Dr. John Carter was having a wedding soon." Richard informs me and all the blood rushes from my face.

I should've suspected it was him getting married. Who else but Carter? And it's not like the idea of marriage for Kem and Carter was totally out of the blue. They were soon going to be a family, after all, why not get married and really be a picture perfect family? Beautiful wife, intelligent doctor as the husband and adorable son equals everything that Carter's ever wanted. Yet the very thought makes me want to toss my cookies.

"Uh…he's not getting married to me, Richard. Anyway, I really need to go…"

"Not you? Then who is the doctor engaged to? It was you with him at that charity extravaganza, wasn't it, Abby? And I heard you guys were pretty cozy together." he pries deeper.

"Richard, please, I need to go!" I insist. My voice is a little louder than I'd intended. Frank shoots me a look from the chair he's lounging on. My eyes flick past him to where Carter is strolling down the hallway with a bunch of charts in his hands. He's heading straight for the desk. Suddenly I feel pressured to just run far, far away. Or to simply hide and never come back out.

"Goodbye," I hear a click, and then mercifully, silence on the other end.

"Hey, Abby, you okay? You look a little pale," Carter dumps the charts back into their respectful rack and raises his eyebrows at me. He studies my face. "You not coming down with something are you?"

I turn away, closing my eyes at the tide of emotions that sweep over me. His very presence is sending little shivers down my spine and there seems to be electricity sparking in the air between us. All this chemistry…wasted. That's what I am to him. A waste, a broken doll that no one particularly cared to fixed; a soul ravaged and in need of mending. His words come back to haunt me then… let me help you, Abby. Nobody can help me now. I'm on my own.

"I'm peachy," I tell him, meeting his eyes briefly before grabbing a random chart and proceeding to walk away. His hand on my arm prevents my escape and I struggle to keep myself calm. The skin to skin contact is too much. His hand is familiar, big and strong yet comforting and warm. I sense his eyes on me, and raise my face till my orbs meet his. Can he see the loneliness I feel with my every breath?

"Abby…" my name slides off his tongue smoothly and it's almost as if we'd gone back in time, back to when we were together and in love. His arm slides up to my shoulder softly, sweetly, and this time I shudder in earnest. "You're cold," he states, squeezing my shoulder as I shiver once more. "Why don't you give me that chart and go get a sweater from your locker? Those scrubs are thin."

I nod, not trusting myself to speak, and silently pass him the chart. He takes it from me, rubs my shoulder affectionately and then steps away, heading back down the hallway he's just come from. I watch his retreating form, the feel of his hands imprinted on my body, the sensations making my skin tingle nicely. It's so goddamn familiar that I bite my tongue as the tears surface.

Don't cry…don't cry…oh please, just don't cry, I chant to myself as I step into the lounge. It's unexpectedly empty and peaceful. I sink down onto the couch, undo my hair from its customary messy bun, and cover my face with my hands. And as I'm sitting there, wallowing in my misery, there's only thought in my mind. It's him, of course. He's the only one I see when my eyes close.

God, John, do you know what you've done to me? Do you? 


	5. It's Always Been You

Title - When My Eyes Close

Chapter 5 - It's Always Been You

Author - guzelle

Disclaimer - characters don't belong to me, sadly.

I'm holding a tiny, absolutely adorable, newborn baby in my arms. It's unbelievable. Inexquisitive blue eyes search my face as the baby holds a firm grip on the pinky of my left hand. I grin back at the baby like a crazy lady, but it doesn't matter. Susan watches us in amusement from her hospital bed, as I stare at her son - yes her son, whom she named Adam - in wonder, amazement and a whole bunch of other joyous words that could describe my feelings. My best friend finally had her baby and I'm finally able to hold, touch and talk to this little miracle.

"Hi baby, how are you? You're doing good, huh? Yes, you are, little one..." I babble whatever comes to mind as Adam frowns at me, obviously trying to figure out just what the crazy lady is talking about.

"Abby..." suddenly the new mommy speaks up and I turn to look at her, cradling the baby. "can you give me the baby and please, please, go get me a juice or something? I'm so thirsty, it's crazy."

"Sure thing, Susan." I'm reluctant to let go of him this quickly, but as soon as the baby is placed into my friend's arm, he whimpers and we both smile at each other knowingly. "Look whose hungry, huh?"

"It's good thing he is, my boobs are incredibly huge. And you wouldn't believe just how painful. I feel like a porn star who got a very bad boob job recently." Susan says and we both laugh.

I shake my head at her and say, "Oh yeah, definitely. I'll be right back. Maybe not, though, Weaver is probably on the lookout for victims."

"It's alright, I'm good for now. Thanks either way, Abby." Susan says, but her eyes aren't focused on me any longer. She's smiling down at her baby and I see that indeed she is content for the time being, so I quietly slip out of their room.

I promised myself I wouldn't succumb to self-pity, but once I'm back in the heavily air-conditioned hallway, I feel pangs of loneliness. Seeing my best friend with her newborn son, in her room full of bouquets of flowers and dozens of enormous balloons, I knew right then that I wanted exactly what she had. The feeling of remorse and self-pity had been worse when Chuck had stopped by earlier, to spend time with his new family. He's so incredible to her...

"Abby, there you are! We need you downstairs, it's getting real busy." I had been waiting for the elevator to arrive, wrapped up in my own thoughts, when suddenly the doors slid open and a breathless Sam pulls me inside.

"Oh, alright, I was just about to go downstairs anyway."

"Thank god I found you right away. Can you imagine Weaver coming up here in all her fury? This whole department would be disrupted." Sam runs a hand through her curly hair, wearing her typical expression, a mixture of fatigue and annoyance.

I nod, choosing to remain silent instead of agreeing with her, as I usually do. Yeah, Dr. Weaver wasn't exactly the type of person who frequented the O.B. department, unless of course she was there for medical reasons and those only. I lean against the wall, biting my lower lip, dreading the moment that is inevitably but surely approaching - going back downstairs to the ER. A cloud of melancholy seems to have settled over me and going back to work feeling this way, I know, wouldn't be too enjoyable an experience.

Sure, I already feel a certain attachment to Susan's baby, since I'd obviously been there from day one of her pregnancy and then even throughout the birthing process. Yet at the end of the day, the baby just reminds me of all the things that are missing from my life, in particular, a family of my own. Even Sam, although a single mother, is still a mother. And I know for a fact, despite motherhood being quite overwhelming at times, especially coupled with her job as a nurse, that Sam loves every minute of it.

The doors of the elevator slide open with a whoosh, and the moment they do, I sigh heavily. Sam had been so right - it was definitely busy here. She smiles in my direction, handing me a pair of gloves from her pocket. It's time to go back to work.

-----

Oh god, I'm sitting in my living room, on the same goddamn couch as John Carter. And yes, I'm freaking out. When...how...was this possible? It's probably a figment of my overactive imagination but maybe...maybe not. Carter and I, we're here, together, as in the same apartment, and sitting only maybe a foot apart. The last time I was this close to him had been the day Richard had phoned the ER, looking to congratulate me on my supposed engagement. My ex-husband thought that I was to be married soon, and not to just anyone, but to the very man who was seated next to me.

The last eight hours or so of the day are vague. I briefly remember going upstairs to visit Susan and baby Adam in her post-partum suite in the O.B. and then returning with Sam to the extremely overcrowded emergency room. The events leading up to Carter being in my apartment are impalpable and I frown when I realize I can only faintly recall my day. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised at that. Whenever Carter is around, everything seems to blur in my head, with the only clear picture being him. I know I had finished up my twelve hour shift that day, six as a med student and six filling in as a nurse, but then what? How come he's here, with me? 

"Abby...are you listening?" Carter askes me and I sharply look up at him, realizing that I hadn't in fact been listening to what he'd been saying at all.

"Uh..." I mumble uncertainly, my right hand nervously tugging and adjusting the watch strapped to my left wrist.

He gazes at me for a moment, before turning his eyes to the shadows of my dark apartment. The look in his eyes had been so forlorn, so helpless and lost. This peaks my interest, and I blink, willing the fog around my brain to dissolve so I could take a real good look at him.

"Kem... uh, Kem, she left. About an hour ago... she left... left the house. She left me, Abby." he suddenly confesses to me and my heart seems to go still in my chest.

She left him. Just like that, she got up and left Carter... my sweet Carter... who will always remain my Carter. The misery radiates from him like an angry overhead rain cloud, and a heavy feeling settles in my stomach. I don't know the reason, or various reasons, behind her sudden depature but whatever they were, it still seemed cruel in my eyes. How could you leave your fiance, in the middle of everything...especially when you're expecting his unborn child? God, this was definitely worse than when he'd run away to Africa and far away from me. And then it suddenly dawns on me that karma has come full circle - first Carter had left me behind, broken and confused, and now he was the one who'd been abandoned.

And what does this all come down to, I ask myself. Oh right... what, just what am I supposed to say to him? Surely no words of comfort will take away the sharp sting of his loss. This I've gathered from my own painful experiences... this I learned when "the love of my life" had abruptly walked out of my life. Tears prick my eyes and I blink desperately, willing myself not to cry over this same issue, for possibly the millionth time.

"Carter... I'm so sorry. I'm here for you, you know?" I say and he nods in agreement and something else. He knows that, has always known that I've been there for him, through thick and thin. It's not surprising that even through everything we've been and the huge Atlantic Ocean that had seperated us when he'd been in Africa, our bond hadn't been severed. Yeah, we haven't really spoken or been in such close promixity for more than five seconds since he had left on his fateful trip, but apparently nothing has changed, I realize now. Oh god, I love him.

"Oh Abby, I know. You don't need to tell me. That's why I came here tonight... to see you. You were the first person I needed... wanted... to see when she left..." his desolate voice trails off and I can't help myself and reach out to gently take hold of his left hand. He gives me a soft, heartfelt smile.

What he does next takes my breath away, both physically and figuratively. He leans closer to me, until the distance between us is only about an inch. And then he softly, sweetly, places a kiss on my lips... and I'm drowning.


	6. She Left And He Came Back

Title: When My Eyes Close

Chapter 6: She Left and He Came Back

Author's Note: Wow...hasn't it been awhile? Writer's block sucks but I should be writing more of this wonderful little tale shortly. I hope everyone enjoys the drama that is Carby, because I know I sure do :)

Disclaimer: Legally, they aren't my characters. But I do get to toy around with them illegally.

It's so cold outside… more like it is well below freezing, and snow is beginning to come down in sprays of white. I exhale slowly and put my palm flat against the window pane. It's icy cold to the touch, no surprise there. Somehow standing at my window, looking at the potential winter wonderland outside, is more satisfying than lying back down with Carter on my bed. Before the events of last night, I would have given anything up for a chance to be by his side once more. Now that he's here though, single and lonely and begging for my company, I think I might in fact resent his presence. Yes, maybe I've gone crazy.

My eyes flicker over to him, sprawled out on my bed like he's always belonged there. Carter is wearing only a shirt and boxers, and suddenly I'm aware of my own state of clothing; pajamas pants, tank-top and definitely no bra. I take another deep breath and recall the events that unfurled after our long awaited kiss. There was more kissing and then… then there was Carter wrapped up in my arms, so hurt by Kem's departure that he dissolved into tears, right along with me. His were tears of sorrow, remorse and regret, and mine were of finally being with him again. I didn't think I was ever capable of loving someone so much, but consoling him during his time of dire need, I had realized just how much he meant to me. And then I realized how unfortunate our situation truly was – his pregnant girlfriend had left him broken and he'd gone straight to his ex-girlfriend, who he had left once before, to go find himself in the heart of Africa.

I sit down on the bed gently, and the feeling of resentment instantly vanishes. When I woke up, at precisely four thirty am, I hadn't been feeling all too loving towards Carter and had gotten up wanting to erase last night from my memory. It makes me smile to think I was the first person he came to when feeling so horribly disappointed and depressed, but then again it makes me feel like second best, and that ironically is how I felt at certain times during our relationship. It doesn't make sense, I understand, to feel like second best when it was me he'd run to, but yet I still felt it. Although now, being on the same bed with him and staring at his handsome features, my bittersweet thoughts are fading fast. 

"Abby… why are you awake? It's so early, no?" Carter says; his voice is deep and husky from sleep.

I smile and lay back down onto the pillow, immediately a hand closes around my waist and pulls me closer. "It's like almost five, yeah. Let's sleep,"

"Why did you get up, huh?" he mumbles in my ear and I can't help but giggle. I forget how adorable he is in the middle of the night when he's awoken.

"No reason," I answer him and put my hand on his slightly unshaven cheek. This time he smiles.

"I missed you so much. You really have no idea."

His heartfelt remark renders me still. I gaze at him, not knowing exactly what to say in return, or how to best put my feelings forward. "I missed you a lot, too. You're definitely unforgettable."

Carter laughs, his melancholy eyes looking slightly merrier. "Well you always knew how to lighten my mood, didn't you Abby?"

I thought I had known his moods…his ups and downs, his quirks; however I had been proven wrong when he'd packed up his things and walked out of my life. It had taken me awhile to accept, but I had eventually realized that I was part of the reason as to why he had left County and everything behind. I'll admit that even after all this time has passed, there are still some grudges I hold, fairly or not. 

"Carter I thought I knew you pretty well, before Africa, Kem and this baby. Now I'm a complete stranger to the person you've become." I can't bear to look him in the eye when I say these words and so my eyes land on the comforter that's wrapped around us both.

"Abby…" he delicately lifts up my chin until my eyes meet his and then continues, "I came to you tonight once she left because I want to correct my past mistakes. I can't erase her, or the baby that hasn't been born yet, but what I can do is fix this rift between us. More than anything I want to be a part of your life again, whether it is an intimate or just friendly part. I was such a fool… you just don't know how many things I'd like a chance to do over…"

Once again I can't think of any words to say, so instead I hug him tightly, holding on for dear life. No matter what has happened, I love this man, and so I decide to tell him. "John… I love you," I pause, savoring the pleased smile on his lips and then, "I've loved you all along but honestly I don't know what to make of my love for you anymore. What is it going to prove, or solve?"

The happiness drains from his face, as I expected, and he pulls back from me slightly. I sigh heavily, stare at him and wonder what his response will be. I hadn't said anything outright but he'd understood the meaning behind my words, I take it. I do love him, with all my heart, but loving him so dearly isn't the antidote to our many problems, unfortunately. Letting him back into my life, especially as a friend, would be too painful for me. Starting our entire relationship over would be an impossible task, as well, and so I decide what's best for us is to go our separate ways. This I don't need to tell him either, he's well aware.

"I'm so sorry then…for saying what I said," Carter's voice is different now, awake and alert and most definitely hurt. "I don't think it'd be right if I stayed, Abby. I'm going to go."

I only nod in reply, telling him silently that I agree that he should leave. My heart yearns for him to remain in my bed, right next to me, but my mind has already been made up and there's no turning back. It's quite a miracle that I haven't broken down in tears. I bite my lip and watch as he rises from the bed and starts dressing. In no time he's dressed and I smile faintly as he zips up his dark blue hooded sweatshirt. It had been my favorite thing to wear during the winter, back when we were together and had spent countless hours just lounging around my apartment or the Carter mansion.

"You still wear that sweater, huh?"

"Yeah…I remember you used to wear it pretty often, way back when."

I swallow the lump that's rapidly forming in my throat, "Well, it's a really comfy piece of clothing Carter. Make sure you don't discard it anytime soon."

"I'll let you know if I plan on it."

Suddenly I can't breathe, as finally the weight of my words from earlier sink in. Carter had lain across from me and claimed he wanted to start fresh, with me. He wanted to be a solid part of my life; he wanted to make amends for his past faults. And what had I done? I'd pushed him away, brushed him off like his words meant nothing to me. Carter had been trying to be honest, but all I'd done was listened and turned my back on him because of my trust and commitment issues. These very same issues were implemented because of him, to be exact. I had been told over and over that holding grudges and not being able to forgive anyone for anything was unhealthy, so why was I continuing down this path once more?

My eyes stay locked on him as he moves about the room, collecting the rest of his things. He's going to leave momentarily, hurt beyond a doubt by my words. All these things I'd said to him because I was afraid of forgiving him and reaping the repercussions. I was basically afraid of opening up my heart to him just to have it torn apart all over again, of hearing promises that were never going to be fulfilled, etc.

"Wait, please, just wait a minute. Oh god…I'm so sorry. I'm acting like such a fool. I didn't even listen to you really; I was just picturing myself getting my feelings hurt. Carter…" 

He turns to face me, his expression icy cold and unreadable.

"Abby, it's time to stop playing these games. I realized that last night. I'm not going to repeat what I said earlier but I want you to think everything over. And whenever you decide on something, you can let me know." He says and my eyes widen. "I'm sorry to be leaving this way but I can't stay here anymore."

I expect him to leave the room without delay, for the front door to be slammed shut and for my entire home to feel incredibly bare in his absence…but he doesn't just yet. Carter walks over to me and places a gentle kiss to my lips and then smiles a melancholy smile at me.

"I'm always going to be here for you, Abby. I sincerely hope you can forgive me one day, because nothing seems to be going right for me without you. It took awhile but finally my eyes have opened up. Maybe yours can too, now." 

There are tears trailing down my cheeks by now and I pull him to me for another sweet kiss. "God, I'm so sorry. I just keep pushing you further and further away, when you just came back to me."

As he pulls back, I take a deep breath. My nose is filled with the smell of his favorite woodsy scented cologne and more tears fill my eyes. It's so familiar.

When he leaves, I let out a whimper and collapse back onto my bed. Why am I doing this to myself? Why can't I ever make up my mind and make a decision that will benefit me? The biggest question that I have yet to answer is, why do I love this man so much? Love is such a funny yet cruel thing.  



End file.
